Mewsings from Lowecat (aka Indianacat)

My rants, ravings, and overall 'mewsings' on life, the universe, and everything.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Wishin' I Felt Somethin' Besides Numb

Daddy was laid to rest Thursday, and I've yet to be able to mourn his passing'. It's not that I don't miss him, I miss him like crazy. One would think I'd be crying' a river of tears considerin' there isn't a place in his home where i don't come across reminders:

The chrysler jacket given to him a few Christmases ago,
The puzzle of Wrigley Field he'd started and didn't finish. I couldn't bear seein' it waitin' for him and had the DH put it away.
His many caps
A book he'd started to read
A DVD he'd been watchin'
His clothes and watches

Yet, I see these these things, feel them, hold them, but feel nothin' inside or out. Just numb and lost. That's how I've felt since 4 May, the day Daddy died. Just numb inside. Oh, there's been a few tears shed at times, but not the cleansin' grievin' any normal petson indulges in. The kind where you let the tears fall as long as ya need 'em to, purge yourself of greif, and find a way to go on, even though your world has been drastically altered.

  Even though daddy preplanned and prepaid the funeral, there were still choices to be made, and beneath all that, concern over how my mom (stepmom, actually) would take the news. With her advanced Altzheimer's disease, I feared she might not understand what had happened. At worse, I feared the news would devastate her. Fortunately, though the moments of clarity didn't last, she wasn't destroyed by daddy's death.

I'd intended to blog about the wake and the service, but felt compelled to tap out this log tonight from my iphone. It's hard to do, but i need this outlet. My husband and my 'big brother' John both seem to think that i'm worryin' too much about not bein' able to grieve. They both say it may take time. So did daddy's minister. Maybe they're all correct. But what's different about this loss? I wasn't so stoic about losin' my furbabies! Nor was it hard to mourn the passin' of my grandparents and great grandma. What's so different?

  Over the weekend, I learned that a good friend of my husband's and mine died unexpectedly. He was only 54. I empathize with his life partner, who has lost a significant part of his life. Robert and I went to the funeral and graveside service today, followin' a meeting' with daddy's lawyer with the DH and my brothers. I sat in the chapel, listenin' to people mourn this friend's passing' and remained as dry as the Mojave desert. When the survivin' partner and I exchanged hugs, he was emotional, but all I could do was hold him close, express my sympathy, but couldn't FEEL anything but numb.

That's what worries me. In the meantime, my two 'big brothers' have treated me like a true little sister, teasin' me much the way daddy teased his sister, lovingly and with good humor. Their banter made the job of goin' through and cleanin' daddy's study easier to endure. And for that, I love them big time. Tuesday I need to select a marker for the grave, then go on home for a couple of week's. Robert and I plan to come back to daddy's house


Anonymous DS said...

Darlin, I've been reading what you've been writing and going through and I empathize. May 2nd, 1992 my grandmother (more like surrogate mother. My mom was an addict and my grandmother kept me)
From what I remember, I was numb for a long time. 20 years later I still am. There are days that I will look at a picture or pick up something that belonged to her and I will break down. The numbness is your body trying to cope. There is nothing wrong. The cheesy motto is true, everyone grieves in their own way. Remember brothers will be brothers and maybe that is them coping.

Just breathe, write and remember all the good times and the bad. Just remember and love.

May 17, 2012 at 12:45 AM  

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