Mewsings from Lowecat (aka Indianacat)

My rants, ravings, and overall 'mewsings' on life, the universe, and everything.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Marital Discord Sucks

The DH is the pup, yours truly is the feisty feline. I'm sure taht Robert feels this way as we enter our third day emotional distance.
I was pretty hard on him in my last blog. I'm still disappointed and hurt by his actions and words Sautrday and Sunday. He's said nothing to me since asking the question about going to the grocery Sunday morning.
Earlier Monday, I tweeted that the outside weather in Indiana was warm and sunny. In our house it was cold, frosty, and chilly. Hell, the atmosphere around here these days is so cold it would make Anartica feel like the Hawaiian islands!
We've had our tiffs, disagreements, etc., during our 17 years of marriage. Never like this. Somehow we've always managed to find our way back to each other after a few hours. This time seems different.
Does he perhaps blame me for the carelessness that robbed us of the two furry boys nearly a week ago? He can't blame me any more than I blame myself for that moment of carelessness!
One thing all y'all need to know about my husband, is that he is a Korean American version of Mr. Spock. He doesn't emote much. Oh, he'll laugh at times. He gets annoyed. He can be authoritative when it's needed. But he doesn't argue, doesn't raise his voice in anger. He'll just take a verbal harangue without any kind of response.
It infuriates the Hell out of me. The Native American, Irish, and Scottish blood in me craves a good fight from time to time. You know the kind, a good old knock - down, drag out, no holds barred verbal duke 'em out. Loud and racous. Get it out in the open kind of thing. Rant, rave, vent, Vesuvius, bare knuckles verbal interaction. Not easy to get with a quiet, unresponsive participant who just looks at ya until you lose the good head of steam you built up.
Most of the marital discord, when it happens, is because of pent up stresses and/or unexpected nasty surprises of the financial nature. Things get said in the heat of the moment (by me), things are left unsaid (Robert), tears are shed (me), then forgiveness begged for (me) and granted (him). Things are OK until the next storm.
Sunday night, when I got home from work, dishes were in the washer, clothes washed/dried/folded. No supper ready, but wasn't up to eatin' at the time. Nothin' was said by me, nothing said by him. He went to bed without either of us sayin' a word. I made his sandwiches for the day, tried to work on my fanfic, couldn't see it through the tears and gave up.
No call came from him today on his lunch hour. No call when he got home from work. I didn't call him, either. Came home to silence. Dinner ready, but silence. I didn't say anything to him, nor vice versa. We spoke to the cats (fortunately not the 'tell your mother/father' bull shit some parents do), but not to each other. We sat on the sofa but still not a word was said. He went to bed without sayin' good night.
I went to the bathroom and cried so hard my nose bled. (oops, spew alert?). I'm so tired and lost that I fell asleep twice on the way home from work tonight, fortunately didn't sideswipe anyone or anything, and immediately startled self awake. When I got safely parked in the driveway, I fell asleep for about five minutes before going into the house.
I did try to reach out via email from work. Just said that the cold shoulder was going to continue until he realized just how much he hurt my heart. All I wanted from him was a word. Not a full blown apology. Just a word.
I can't be the one to reach out this time. Maybe it's pride, and we all know that pride goeth before a fall. I just don't have the strength to make the gesture. But, if I wait for the gesture to come from him, it might be as nasty as the high flyin' bird he got from me.
Losing the two kitty boys is hard enough, and hurts a lot. Losin' my husband like this is tearing me up. Why can't he see that?
Off to sleep, if sleep is possible. Don't know if this is gonna do more harm than good. Sometimes I communicate better by writin' than in talkin'.
I just wish I could curl up in a miserable ball and hide from the world. Anyone know of an underground grotto with a lake I can hole up in for the rest of my life?


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