Mewsings from Lowecat (aka Indianacat)

My rants, ravings, and overall 'mewsings' on life, the universe, and everything.

Friday, June 08, 2012

Great Expectations?

Earlier today I blogged about the rough seas anticipated ahead today (Thursday) and this comin' Sunday.  Well, Sunday might still be rough for me, bein' the first Father's Day without Daddy.  Today did not live up to what I expected at all.

As you'll recall, the IN United Methodist Conference held a 'celebration of remembrance' tonight for the clergy and spouses (missionaries are no longer part of this ceremony) that had passed in the last year.  Some time before, Daddy had told me that when his time came to go Home, he wanted me to be present, as it would occur during his death year.

He felt it would bring me some kind of peace.  And maybe it will.

A year from now.

Unlike years past, it appears that there is a cut off date.  May 1 through May 1 of each year is what they work with.  That kinda makes sense.  Barely a calendar month had passed from the date of Daddy's funeral to the first day of Conference.  It is hard for family and friends of the deceased to make arrangements to be present so soon after losing a loved one.   I barely got my time off request into the schedulers on time as it was. 

The first indication I had that Daddy wouldn't be included was when the list of names was handed out.  I glanced down at the list of clergy and spouses.  Daddy's name was conspiculously absent, as I shared on the Twitters and Facebook.  I had a 'WTF' moment, but didn't say the words out loud.  After all, the list couldn't been printed up before his death.  Then I figured from the latest loss in the Conference, 16 April, that the end of April must be the cut off point for inclusion in this year's recognition. 

I was close.

There have been changes in the last few years since I found that program from 2005's service at Daddy's house.  There isn't a candle lit for the departed ministers and spouses.  Instead, one lone candle sits on an altar.  Clear pitchers of water sit on either side of a blue bowl.  When the time comes for the roll call, one of the youth members takes the pitcher of water with the departed's name on it and pours it into the bowl as a muted handbell chimes once.   The name and date of death, along with a picture of the deceased, if available, is shown on the large screens.  It is at that moment that anyone who was close to that person may stand.

Once all the names have been read, then the congregaton is given the opportunity to stand up and call out the names of their departed.  It was then that I got to call my father's name. 

All in all it was a nice service, and give me an idea what to expect next year.  I learned through that service that a minister I worked with in my Youth Ministries days had died.  He'd also been preaching at North United Methodist when I went there for a brief period.   However, it didn't bring me to the released I sought.   I'm still strugglin' with acceptance, still strugglin' to grieve.

So now, I don't have any expectations of gettin' to that release on Sunday.  But I will still talk to Daddy, and listen for responses in the wind.  Maybe their will be one, and then again, maybe not.  But I'll talk with him at that grave site.  And miss him all the more.



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