Mewsings from Lowecat (aka Indianacat)

My rants, ravings, and overall 'mewsings' on life, the universe, and everything.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Rough Seas Ahead

There are two days this week that are gonna be very difficult for me.  Today (Thursday) and Sunday. 

Today is the first day of the Indiana United Methodist Annual Conference, a gathering of clergy and lay people to discuss the postives and negatives of the year for all the different boards and councils that answer to the conference/bishop, including the Board on Ordained Ministry that Daddy once served upon. 

The start of conference usually doesn't affect me one way or the other.  It generally just means there's gonna be a lot of hot air concentrated in downtown Indianapolis Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (which might be why the weather people are forecastin' hotter weather for us!).  <OK, that's some of that dark humor creepin' in>

Tonight is their 'Celebration of Remembrance'; a nice way of referring to a mass funeral service for the clergy, surviving spouses, and missionaries of the conference who have passed on since the last session. 

You guessed it, friend reader, this will include Daddy.  And that's why this event will be a little difficult for me?  Well, it's because I'm still tryin' to deal with the feelin's brought on from the day Daddy died and the funeral in Washington.  I feel that someone from the family should be there, and ye old Lowecat is the one who will attend.  That meant gettin' approval for a half day off from work, which wasn't a problem. 

As the Queen of Sparta said to her nemesis in '300', "This will NOT be enjoyable, and this will NOT end quickly."   Anyone at work who thinks I'm gettin' off early for fun needs to walk a mile in my motorcycle boots.  They'd find out real quick that it's not fun and games. 

I've been to the 'celebration' before, but it was years ago while service on the Conference Council on Youth Ministries as a teen.  That's been a couple of years ago at the least!  But it's well done, and the family members of the departed person only have to be present, they don't have to speak.  

Like the ordination ceremonies that will be held later this week, loved ones and friends may stand up when that person is being mentioned.  In this case, it'll be Daddy's name read, and a candle lit at that moment for him.  

I think I can handle standin' for that.  

What will be hard will be acceptin' the condolences of those ministers and lay people who knew Daddy and want to extend such.  At least at the funeral service, there was back up.  This time, it's just gonna be me, myself, and I.  No back up for when things get a little rough.  Have no worries about gettin' emotional, cause I'm still numb (unless someone pisses me off, then I can feel anger, but otherwise, meh has definitely taken root).

What I don't think is gonna be easy to handle is Father's Day this comin' Sunday.  Not because I'll be back at his house (it's still hard to consider it my brother's house) to do more organizin' of things and packin' away clothes and such.  

That's the easy part these days.  This will be the first Father's Day without him, and comes so soon after he died.  It's gonna hurt like the proverbial thorn in the lion's pawpad.  

It's possible that the grave marker will be installed by then.  If not, that's fine.  They'll get it in when they get it in.  If the dried, dead flowers from the funeral are still covering the grave, it's my intention to remove 'em.  They served their purpose, but why leave them for someone else to dispense with if I can take care of it? 

Like during Memorial Day, I plan to talk to him, fill him in on what's been goin' on.  Let him know he's missed and loved.  A time of communion.  I might get a plastic rose or two to leave at the grave, since roses were his favorite flower.  Things that will be comforting to yours truly and maybe his spirit will recognize.

They (whoever 'they' are) say that these so - called dates of note - Father's Day, birthdays, and other important holidays - will become less heart breaking as time passes.  I hope they're right.  At the moment, the idea of a Father's Day without him doesn't feel palpable. 

There's still uncles on both sides of the family and DH's father to recognize and share the day with.  I haven't forgotten them.  It's just hard to think of them when Daddy's not around to be recognized, too.

Thinkin' about Father's Day reminded me that while straightenin' up the library, I came across a pile of Father's Day cards from yours truly.  He'd kept a large number of the ones I sent to him durin' my adulthood.   One of the most poignant ones was a dark red one with gold etching on it.  The picture was a tall sailing ship on the sea. 

I can't think of the verse, but what I wrote stands clear in my memory:  'I'm glad I FINALLY understand what you were tryin' to tell me all this time!'


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