Mewsings from Lowecat (aka Indianacat)

My rants, ravings, and overall 'mewsings' on life, the universe, and everything.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Gettin' Hit While You're Down

These past few days since 4 May have been very difficult.   Returnin' to work last Thursday was hard because the very fabric of my life has been ripped apart, the foundation completely destroyed, and yet the world has continued to turn as if nothin' catastrophic has happened.

Well, nothin' catastrophic to the rest of the world in general has happened.  That's why the sun still rises and sets, and life goes on.  Just my own little corner of the world (and that of my family) has been radically altered and will never be the same.

I've been tryin' hard to deal with the loss of my father and the feelin' of numbness and inability to properly grieve.  Have also been tryin' to maintain myself in a work day world while feelin' physically, mentally, and emotionally numb.  There is so much to do, and so little time to do it in that I'm just drained.  Literally drained. 

I'm also dealin' with gettin' Daddy's estate settled, which includes the task of sortin' through all the resource materials, study guides, and other things he used in his ministry and findin' good homes for them; goin' through his clothes and findin' the best use for them as a legacy (thank God the United Methodist Church has an outlet for that!)   There's gettin' my (step) mother's finances transferred to my brothers and makin' sure she's taken care of; letters to write in response to condolences that are still comin' in to my (step) mother;  the memorial to submit to the Methodist Conference for the annual  journal and upcomin' memorial service the first week of June;  facin' up to tellin' my birth mother of his death (more on that in a moment); and every time I turn around, there is something that reminds me of losin' him.

The other day, when I read an on line story about Kerry Woods, pitcher for the Chicago Cubs, my first thought was that this was somethin' Daddy and I could talk about.  Then the realization set in that we can't talk about the Cubs, or IU, or ANYTHING anymore.  It cut through my heart like a knife, and yet I couldn't shed a frackin' tear about it.

So, what's happened lately to cause this particular epistle? 

Regular readers will remember that I wrote in March a series of blogs about a person I'd let into my heart and life and considered the little brother of my heart.  He was a co - worker, and someone I'd come to accept despite some of his warts.  That's what love is all about, whether filios, eros, or agape, right? 

Well, we reconciled about a week after the blow up.  At the time, I felt forgiveness and understandin' was the better way to go.  It was somethin' that, while he was still able to communicate somewhat, Daddy and I had discussed.  Forgivin' someone who had hurt you and givin' them another chance.  Somethin' Daddy had done with me decades ago when I needed a theorhetical kick in the butt to get me back on track. 

The original closeness between this person and myself wasn't there.  I missed that, especially on the day Daddy died.  I sought him out to tell him, but it was a work day, and he could only give me a brief bit of consolation, leavin' me with a hope that he might call, text, or FB msg at some point to see if I were OK.   That didn't happen.  Lots of friends did call, text, FB msg that ghastly night, and to them, I'm eternally grateful. 

Earlier this mornin', I noticed on my FB timeline that said friend posted a question.  I answered it, and went on to other things, eventually finishin' all the things needin' my attention and goin' to bed.  The answer was somethin' along the lines of 'I say go for it, if it's somethin' y'all really want to do and will enjoy.  We both know life is too short not to do the things we love or feel passionate about.  Not sure if the position would be gratis like your other gig there, but it's worth if if you love it.' 

A couple of hours ago I logged into the computer, and eventually to FB to find a new message notice to find this:

Former friend:  1pm 22 May))
you have GOT to watch what you so on my facebook!! i have too many eyes on me on there, and (property name withheld) if NOT supposed to know their dues are not covering my security out there!!!!

Which I found an hour after he sent it and responded:
Dude, you asked, I answered how in hell was I supposed to know you didn't want a frackin' answer, dammit!

The problem is, you can't or won't acknowledge when a person does somethin' FOR you before you kick their ass. Which is somethin' I don't need to go through right now. I hope to GAWD you never have to go through what I'm goin' through right now.
  • In fact, think a few seconds before respondin' to this. I'm tryin' to set up some things to deal with an estate, my own feelings of loss, my guilt at probably signin' my father's death warrant by refusin' to have him put on a frackin' respirator, and writin' his memorial for the conference. I don't need this, so don't bother respondin'

I then went to his page to review my response to his post/inquiry, only to find the general page one finds when a person has set up their privacy settings so that one has to be accepted as a friend before posts can be viewed.  That discovery evoked this response:
  • In fact, I see you've already dropped me again????? TO OHELL WITH THIS SHIT!

Former friend:  2pm 22 May))
  • had no intention to ...

 To which I replied: 

Just like you did the last time you got pissed at me for thinkin' of you. I DON'T NEED THIS NOW! Don't you have the humanity to understand that? How much shit are you going to put on me for makin' the mistake of givin' a damn about you as friend/brother or whatever? I should've learned the first time.

GAWD, don't you understand where I am right now/?????

  • Former friend: 2pm 22 May))
    • i'm not putting shit on you! YOU ARE! i was saying sometimes you talk too much on here about things that shouldnt be talked about!
      This conversation is over now ....
    • good day

    He probably never got the response (that I know of), but I replied to him  "(that as far as I was concerned)  twice was two times too often, and this time, there would be no goin' back.  If he didn't want an answer to a question in public, don't post it where everyone will see it!"  It occurred to me to block his ass on FB, but I'd rather keep an eye on what he may/may not say to mutual work friends.  

    In retrospect, when I returned to work last Thursday and read the sympathy card from my work group (he has since transferred to a different work group, thank God!), his written remarks seemed a little cold:  "Sorry about your loss." 


    At the time, I thought it might've just been some oversensitivity on my part.  Yet, when compared to the warm, carin' notes jotted by other past and current team members, his seemed to miss the mark.  Somethin' you would say to be polite, but not comittin' to any kind of compassion, care, or concern.   

    What makes this difficult is that we share a very good friend at work.  She's younger than both of us, and I don't want her to feel like she has to have divided loyalties.  Therefore, I'll probably lose her friendship as a result of this.  She's seen up front the viciousness he is capable of displayin' when he doesn't get his way.  I certainly don't want her to experience the pain he is capable of causin'.

    As if I'm not feelin' enough pain and heartache in my life right now, he has to pull this shit.  Former friend could've texted me to call him to work it out; or even called and left a message.  No, he decides to deliberately unfriend me after leavin' his message in FB mail.  That was his choice, and now HE is the one is who is going to live with it. 

    In this particular instance, I'm sorta glad to be numb inside.  He is NOT worth bein' upset over.  He has fooled me two times too many, but I have seen the kind of person he really is, and it is not hte kind of person who is capable of givin' to others.  He takes without reservation, but when the chips are down, he shows his ass. 

    So, though I'm a little cooked from the fire, I'm OK.  Have successfully arranged for grief counselin' with the corporate chaplain our company contracts with.  I have talked with the chaplain briefly about this situation.  I don't intend to say word one to former friend.  He has hurt me one time too  often. 

    This blog is the only effort, time, and energy I'm gonna put out over him.  The biker bitch in me wants to tear his balls off with a rusty bottle cap and stuff 'em down his throat.  There's that part of Daddy in me that says to turn away and ignore it.  Maybe that's the better path.  Not quite as satisfyin', but the better, higher road.

    Thus endeth the rant.